Just A Suggestion...

Further to my introduction into the world of serving suggestions, I bring you a cautionary tale.


After my previous postings highlighting the need for caution, I was contacted by a concerned & embarrassed reader to offer his own tale of woe.

I will let him take up the story...


"It all began one innocent Sunday morning, on my weekly trip to Sainsburys. I had decided a day or so before that I wanted to liven up my breakfast routine & was on the lookout for something to replace my usual dose of `Rice Crispies'. Imagine my excitement when I spied this nestling between the Sugar Puffs & the Frosties...


Promising Wholegrain Oat Goodness together with plenty of fibre, this looked like just the thing. Rashly, I threw it into my trolley & rushed off to complete my shop.


On Monday morning it was with great excitement that I took the new box from the cupboard. It was than that my nightmare began.


As a newcomer to this particular cereal, I was unsure how best to enjoy the wholesome honey clusters. Looking at the thoughtfully provided serving suggestion, I began to wonder whether I may have bitten off more than I could chew (if you'll pardon the pun). I began to Panic.


I had no honey in the house. Certainly not in such a posh looking jar. I certainly didn't posess a honey stick - I'm not even sure what it is called. That day I went to work hungry.

That lunchtime I rushed to Tesco (other supermarkets are available) to look for honey. I couldn't find the exact jar, but I took a chance on a jar of `Rowse's' that had a suitably ribbed effect jar. Next it was off to find a serving stick. I tried Matalan on the off chance but no luck, it was Debenhams that bailed me out & at the end of a frantic lunch hour, with honey & stick in the bag, I was flustered & £5 down on the deal.

Next morning I eagerly reached for the box & threw a handful of clusters on the table. Having placed the honey jar in position I was horrified to notice something that I had previously overlooked - the innocent looking ear of wheat (OK, I KNOW that its not wheat...NOW). In dismay, I put the cereal back in the box. I went to work hungry.

After work, I took the car & drove to the country in search of a wheat field. Fortunately for me I had started this breakfast quest in August & not January. Having found a suitable field I purloined a handful of ears that I thought should be sufficient to see me through to the end of the box.

Wednesday morning dawned bright & hopeful. Clusters were scattered, honey & serving stick were at the ready, wheat was placed into position...when my partner mentioned that, actually, looking at the box, it didn't look much like the wheat I had gone to such lengths to obtain. I looked closer - agghhh! she was right, clearly NOT wheat. It appeared to be some sort of wild grass (OK, I know NOW!). I went to work hungry.

Thursday morning, fistful of grass in hand, I approached the breakfast table. `what's that?' my partner asked. `Grass' I replied (actually I used some more words but you get the gist). `What for?' In answer I took the box & shook it in her face.

`That's not grass'

Hungry & rapidly losing my cool, I asked her why she thought that.

`Don't you think that it's more likely to be oats - as in wholegrain oat goodness?'

At this stage, I'm not ashamed to admit that I broke down in tears. In response, my partner slapped me round the face & shouted `It's only a bloody suggestion', took the box from my hands, found a bowl from the cupboard, filled it with honey clusters, poured milk over & put it on the table in front of me.

Actually, they were rather over rated. I've gone back to Rice Crispies.

Are You Being Served?

My word, where did September go. Come to think of it, where did the 90's go?


A busy month, with a week visiting the Beer Festival (a personal best of 43 different beers sampled), 3 family birthdays (mine included), a Fish Concert & a trip to the theatre to see the stage show version of `I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue'.


I thought I'd start the first of a (hopefully) regular feature of `serving suggestions' - those helpful additions to the packaging of your food, giving you vital assistance in serving & presenting said item correctly. These can be far more subtle & in depth than may at first appear the case, particularly to the uninitiated & I hope to guide you through the potential pitfalls of food presentation thus helping you avoid any food faux pas that may entrap the unwary.


A simple one to start with...`Iceland Thin & Crispy Pizza'













This seems fairly simple to start with - put it on a plate. However, closer inspection reveals more...the peperoni has clearly been re-arranged from the usual `pile on one side' that normally occurs when you take the pizza from the freezer. The slice is also important, although I haven't sussed the technique to make it hovver at the 30 degree angle as suggested...The plate, although difficult to discern against the background appears to be an Ikea model & the colour is also clearly important (as you will see below) - to place a `thin and crispy' on a red plate for example would cause confusion for any guest & place you in danger of ridicule & humiliation


The pair to the `thin and crispy' is the `deep pan'



As it can be seen, the basics are the same - arrange the topping in a pleasing & even way, make a slice (& make it hovver). The crucial difference is in the plate - same Ikea styling but in a vivid shade of red. Imagine the embarrasment - you bring a young lady (or gentleman, depending on your own preference) home for the first time, eager to impress with your gourmet skills with a view to an evening of seduction. The lights are low, the music suitably romantic, you bring in a `thin and crispy' on a red plate & your intended can hardly pick themselves off the floor for laughing at your lack of social grace. The relationship is over before it begins & should the pair of you share any mutual aquaintances, you are in store for months of finger pointing & sniggering behind your back. At least you have a whole pizza to yourself though.

It should be noted as an aside that both `deep pan' & `thin and crispy' come with the following helpful warning on the pack `WARNING:TOPPING WILL BE HOT ONCE COOKED'. Well blow me down, 20 minutes in a 200 degree oven & it becomes hot. A sad indication of the increasingly `Americanised' letigious environment we are living in.

If this leaves you nervous, best leave the oven off & dial out to Domino's - all in all so much safer!

Til next time, remember, it's a jungle out there,


Take care, stay alive.

Chappel of Love

As summer (you may have missed it...) limps into its final 3 weeks, evenings draw in & the evening air beigins to aquire that autumnal `nip', one of my favourite times of year has arrived.

Chappel beer festival.

Set in a railway museum in the rolling coutryside of north essex, this is my favourite beer festival & the only one I make a concerted effort to attend. The museum is set at Chappel station which is at the East end of a 32 arch Victorian viaduct with stunning views over the surrounding area. Sitting in an open railway carriage with a lovely beer watching the sun set over the Colne Valley is one of the best ways to pass time that I can think of (OK, it's in the top ten anyway)

Over the years I've been attending, I've noticed a gradual change in the cross-section of attendies. If I mention to my colleagues I'm going to a beer festival, most of the comments revolve around anoraks & beardy weirdies. Whilst there will always be an `earthy' element to some of the customers, they are only a small minority in a hugely cosmopolitan mix & most of the people are absolutely normal!

The weekday evening sessions tend to be slightly top heavy with `suits' arriving off the trains from London but overal the crowd is a complete mix of all ages & types, a large number of couples, many with their children & some also with their dogs!

I tend to try & have a couple of relaxed sessions on Tuesday & Wednesday evenings & a longer stint on Saturday afternoon / evening. Thursday & Friday evenings tend to be rather too busy for my taste - you can often wait 3/4 of an hour to get served if you time it badly, & that doesn't count the time spent fighting your way to the bar!

My favourite session is the Saturday lunchtime - very relaxed, not too crowded & a great family atmosphere. My partner has been for the last 3 years or so & her children have also been a couple of times & actually enjoyed it - I think I actually detected a hint of disappointment when they heard they were with their father this year (although to be fair, they may have just have been being polite...) One of my favourite quotes came from the youngest who would have been about 9 at the time - well into the afternoon after I'd purchased another in a fairly long line of ales, he looked at me & in completely earnest said `I can't believe you're still thirsty...'

Real ale seems to have become more `trendy' & acceptable in recent years, I've always been a `bitter' man (I'm sure my partner & previous partners would confirm!), & when I first starter drinking in pubs 20 years or so ago, a request for a pint of bitter would often be greeted with surprise & it wouldnt be that unusual to find no real ale available.

It seems that real ale is now making a comeback, `micro' breweries are springing up all over the country and, led by Greene King in particular, real ale is being targeted increasingly at the female market & as an alternative to wine with a lovely meal. My partner is a confirmed `wino' & it is to my immense satisfaction that she will now attend the festival, drink & enjoy a selection of ales & will also always try my beer in a pub (OK, that may be a bad thing...). She even notices whether a pub has `proper' ale pumps.

Anyway, for the first time in the world ever, I have got a weeks holiday that co-incides with the festival & can indulge Wednesday & Thursday lunchtimes. My target is at least 40 different beers over the week & who knows - I might even try the vegitarian curry...although that will probably only be a pishty end of session decision- it has no meat in it!

Bottoms up :o)

Another August...and Sweet F.A

So another washout summer meanders to a conclusion as a new football season kicks & screams into motion bringing renewed hope for fans across the country. However poor your team's showing last season (which ended a mere 2 months or so ago) August always brings waves of renewed optimism, a new level playing field, which even by September, can only leave your team within a dozen or so points of the league leaders with more than a hundred points to play for...

After 20 years as a season ticket holder in the West Stand at Portman Road (that's home to Ipswich Town to the uninitiated), various reasons, including cost, frustration, lack of enjoyment & the desire to actually get a life led me to abandon the Saturday ritual 3 or so years ago.

At the time, it was a huge wrench to `let go' & sling the annual request to renew my season ticket into the re-cycling. Having spent a large amount of the previous 20 years telling fellow supporters that `this year will be the last time I waste my hard earned money watching this overpaid shower...', the actual step of putting my money where my mouth is (or to be more accurate, actually keeping my money in my wallet) came almost as much as a shock to me as it did to my friends & family.

Over the years ther have been some highs & , lows - Beating Inter Milan at home & then being at the San Siro for the return leg will forever be a great memory, the play-off final at the old Wembley Stadium where we won promotion back to the Premiership, getting the point at Oxford in 1992 to win the league & become founder members of the new Premier League are all high points. low points...to numerous to mention without extensive therapy...

I did think that I would struggle on a Saturday afternoon but soon settled into a routine of sitting in the local pub (The Swan in Bures) with a local Paper & a personal radio to listen to the (completely unbiased honest, but weren't we robbed there) coverage from BBC Radio Suffolk (That's the second plug for BBC Local Radio in 2 posts, I must be due a mug)


Quite apart from the time not spent travelling to & from the match which all told would wipe out the best part of my Saturday, the new arrangement has had other advantages, for example, if the game is going poorly & it is apparent that we would struggle to beat a veteran team from Sudbury WI as we go 3/4 or more nil down, I can turn off the radio, buy another pint of IPA & turn my attention to the Sudoko in the paper. If I had been at the game, I would have been becoming increasingly p*ssed off, before storming out ten minutes from the end, advising all who would listen that I would rather spend my time at home cutting my toenails. The impact of such anger & frustration was completely lost as the players would not have heard my disapproval, & even if they had would unlikely to have been concerned as they thought of their next overinflated paycheck, & I would then have to stand in the carpark waiting for the people who gave me a lift to return to the car & take me home.

I must also be honest & admit that the hours spent ironing whilst listening to midweek matches on the radio have on the most part been more satisfying than spending the evening rushing to the match after work & then fighting through the traffic on the way home after another frustrating loss to a lower league side in whatever guise the league cup happens to be in this year.

Anyway, Ipswich unbeaten in the league & second only on alphabetical order. Best post that quickly...

Since I've been with my new partner I've been introduced to the joys of youth football, with obnoxios screaming parents offering their offspring helpfull & vocal`advice', mostly in contradiction to what the manager / coaches are trying to convey - `kick him' or `get the ball' some of the more repeatable offerings. Its enough to make you think that £25 a match to watch the inept b*llocks dished up by the proffesionals is a bargain....

20 years ago, I would have scorned my current self & thrown such insults as `part time supporter' etc. Now I would Reply `I have a life' or `I have mortgage'. I also have a Radio Suffolk tinted view as to Ipswich's chances this season - it seems we are certain to win the league, the FA cup, the Boat Race...

August is a golden time of hope for all football supporters at whatever level of the game, so despite the weather, to all fans of whatever team, here's to a new season - enjoy the optimisim whilst you can...and emember, there actually IS life beyond the terrace, and to be homest, it's not that bad...

I think 3 years away from the overpriced frustration of watching professional football has made me a more mellow & easy going individual. I'ts certainly left me with more money for beer which can never be a bad thing & gives me more time to spend with the missus & the boys... oh well, I can't have it all ways.

Come on you blues...

Elvis Lives!

Today is the 30th anniversay of Elvis Presley's death on a toilet in Memphis. This is not a fact I am particularly facinated by & to be honest, this time last week, that is not a fact that I would have been able to quote to you...

Since being rudely awoken by the morning blast of BBC Essex on the radio alarm, it has become a fact that I have been disappoinginly unable to avoid for the remainder of the day.

All morning, between (sadly, (although ironically pleasingly) inaccurate), reports of road closures at junction 19 of the southbound A12, I have been subjected to a parade of sad uninteresting individuals (the special type who feel the need to ring their local BBC radio station on such occasions) telling the county where they were when they heard the tragic news all those years ago. Unsurprisingly, given the nature of the media 30 years ago, the majority were able to enlighten me with the fact that `I was watching News at Ten' or `I was listening to the news on the Radio...' or `I was reading the newspaper', although one caller did enthral me with the story about missing the news altogether due to being on holiday in Spain.

I'm not a devout fan of `The King' but the blanket coverage has got me thinking of my own memories...

...I do enjoy the odd listen to an Elvis song, & earlier in the year, on one of our fairly regular weekenders to the `home of lovely beer' (Bury St Edmunds) with my long (well medium) suffering partner, I was drawn to the duke box in one of the local pubs. Me & The Missus were playing Pool in one side of the pub (The Dove) & I proceded to select an eclectic choice, based mainly on `stuff I don't actually hate' whilst The Missus was in the Ladies. One of my choices was `Always on my Mind' & we both laughed out loud when, the song came on, the chorus was reached & all of a sudden, the dozen or so locals in the other bar all joined in with the tag line. OK, its not a hugely exciting story, but I'm sure, had I the time or inclination, that I could have held the county in raptures should I have chosen to ring the radio station... I guess you had to be there. I may even have won a mug.

Whilst I don't know where I was when Elvis died (I was six, it was the summer holidays, there were more important things to worry about), I can tell you where I was when I watched my first Elivis impersonator. It was the Kings Arms, 26/3/05. Why am I so clear on that? It was the evening of the first episode of the newly relaunched Dr Who. Being unable to explain the importance of this to my (at that stage fairly new & therefore still trying to impress) partner, I agreed to record the programme & go on a night out to a nearby village (now our joint home) We left the house just after the programme started & to my Partner's increasing annoyance, the text messages started arriving immediately - was I watching, What did I think of it etc. I replied as fast as I could but once we had arrived & settled in the first pub of the evening I felt I should show a little more attention to my partner & a little less to the mobile. Also at this stage, `Wesley Presley' began his act - a `kareoke' Elivis singer & I felt reluctant to be texting in case it interfered with his radio mike! A very young chap, with the trademark sideburns & dressed in the early era black leather jacket, `Wesley' worked incredibly hard, setting up & monitoring all of the equipment himself. I've seen him once since at another local pub charity day & to be honest, would go out of my way to watch him again - if you see him advertised at your local, give him the time of day!

Anyway, the evening got me to thinking about how we associate certain things with certain people - Nick Hornby said in his book `Fever Pitch' that football had the capacity to make all the people who knew him think of him at certain times. I've asked friends since & its true. I know for a fact that pretty much every one that knows me thought of me when they heard the Ipswich result when we lost 9.0 to Man Utd some years ago & similarly when we beat Norwich 5.0 in a grudge local derby. The modern phenomena of text makes that all so much more evident & went some way to convincing my partner that I couldn't be as sad as all that if so many people were thinking of me all at once!

It's a weird feeling when you stop & wonder about it, to think that a single trigger can get all the people you know thinking of you like that. Makes me feel good anyway :o)

Always on my mind...